How to recognize an abusive personality

In our world, there are all kinds of people and sadly, some of them operate as abusers. Having come from abuse you would think we are pretty good at recognizing this personality; however, frequently we can be blind to these people.

To the outside world, he/she may appear as a very charming person; however, you can be having a completely different experience with them at home. Therefore, trying to get others to see what you are dealing with can be extremely difficult. Often these individuals are referred to as the street angels and home devils.

The fundamental aim of all abusers is to be the one in control. They will seek power above all other things for it is their basic need. Of course, if you are involved with them, it will mean that they will do everything in their power to make you the weaker party. Abusers want control at all costs and that includes control of the money, how you spend your time, various activities, your social life, etc. Life with an abuser is about what they want; your needs are rarely accommodated. If your needs are accommodated, it usually all comes back to benefit them.

Abusers usually have a superior air believing that they are better than everyone else. In an argument, they will always want to have the last word and aim to win at all costs when games are involved. They often beat children in the footy match; whereas, most normal adults allow the younger ones to win.

In social settings, abusers can become jealous and possessive. Although you have done nothing to warrant this response, their reactions are blamed on you and it is always your fault. If you argue back, you can be severely punished. Punishment is used regularly to keep everyone in line. Yelling, hitting and verbal abuse are used, as well as withholding tactics. Generally, love and sex can be withheld in relationships, and frequently the cold treatment is used. With abusers, the silent treatment can go on for days, weeks, etc.

Manipulation features in these relationships with you being the one being manipulated to meet their needs. This can include blaming you, shaming you and them acting like they are the victim. Other people can be manipulated into believing lies about you and be told untrue stories about how things actually happened.

Moodiness is common with this personality. The day can begin with a happy, charming partner who quickly becomes an aggressive, screaming abuser. After a tirade, they can often act like nothing happened. Taking responsibility is not part of their agenda. Promises may be made only to be broken later. Frequently, what they say and what they do are two completely different things. You can’t trust their word to fulfill promises, unless it benefits them.

If you try to seek help, most abusers will not want to participate. If you get to a counselor, they will not take responsibility for anything being their fault. The counselor is accused of being wrong and in general, abusers don’t last long in therapy. If the therapist is a woman, most male abusers will show little respect. It is common for them to have no respect for women at all including their mother, sisters, grandmothers, etc.

Frequently, abusers have a history of abuse. Maybe they were abused as children/teenagers. Earlier in their life, some individuals could have been engaged in abusing other people or animals. Abuse of animals is a well-documented sign of future abusers. Some people believe that those with a history of abusing animals often also abuse women.

All the above can help us to see abuse around us. Still, many of us can exhibit some of the lesser of these traits at times and not be living lives as abusers.

I believe that once we can recognize abusers it can give us the clarity needed and the strength to say no to any form of abuse. For when we recognize and stand up to abuse, then we stop it being part of our lives.

 

Being a Rescuer 

It is not uncommon for survivors of abuse to take on the rescue role. Perhaps back then we needed literally to rescue ourselves and others in the house. Therefore, it became a comfortable and well-known role for us. With childhood abuse, most children fulfill the rescue role in these dysfunctional homes.

Another outcome can be that wanting and knowing how it feels not be rescued; we can spend our lives wanting to rescue others in need. It can feel like a healing to be part of this kind of rescue; it can feel like a way to right a wrong.

Over the years, I have struggled to find a way to work through my rescue mentality. Initially, I jumped in to rescue whomever I felt needed rescuing. At first, I didn’t even ask whether they wanted to be rescued, I simply felt compelled to do so. Now I view it all so differently. Honestly, it is better to give love and support than to rescue; it is better for you and better for them.

While we play the rescue role, we can fall into a few big traps. In rescuing we are taking on a greater part and so our effort in the relationship can be very unbalanced. Without realizing it, we can become heavily involved in someone’s life and be doing most of the work. This is not good for either them or us for while we sort it all out, their lessons in this are not learned. While we are taking on the responsibility, they don’t have the chance to grow into their own power and make their own decisions.

Rescuers also have problems saying no and making firm boundaries. Perhaps living a life without any boundaries was something we experienced, and so we don’t know how to make boundaries. I feel that on some level, we are still trying to please others and avoid rejection. Rejection runs deep with abuse, and we will avoid it at all costs. It is easier to displease ourselves and suffer the consequences than to displease a partner, family member, friend, etc.

Keep in mind that when we rescue then we keep the other person in the victim role. In a way we say, “I need to fix this for you because you can’t.”

Being a rescuer or a victim is not without its dangers for both parties can get very frustrated. Victims get tired of being told what to do and rescuers get tired of not being listened to. It’s a vicious circle.

Both roles need to go. It is far better for us to look after ourselves and only engage others when extra support is necessary. Aim to become a survivor and drop the victim/ martyr and rescuer roles.

 

Being a victim/martyr 

Some people start to deal with their abuse and instead of moving on they spend the rest of their life there. As a child or an abused adult, you were a victim. However, as a survivor you can make a different choice. A friend told me an interesting saying that stated that as adults, we are a victim once and a volunteer thereafter. I thought it made a lot sense. Therefore, from this day forward choose to be a survivor.

There are several types of victims. The most obvious ones to spot are the self-absorbed people with pathetic, whining dispositions. It’s never fair; it’s never their fault and no one ever had it worse. They crave love and attention, yet mostly they turn people away.

Another kind of victim is the one who is constantly ill. Many of us learnt the sick victim role when we were young. Perhaps no one screamed at you as much when you were sick in bed or hit you when you were ill. Being ill meant that sometimes you were nurtured, and it gave you time-out from the madness. Most “sick” victims find it a convenient way to avoid or check out of responsibilities at home or work.

Then there is the role of the long-suffering martyr. Abused children learn to soldier on through hard times, keeping themselves strong by coping alone. People from domestic violence can do the same. They are the same individuals who clean up the house after one of the abuser’s tirades. In an out-of-control house, even the smallest amount of power can keep you feeling better. As adults, they will complain about their hardships, yet won’t let anyone help them. These people don’t want to give up their position of power. If they do everything themselves, they can maintain it, as well as having reasons to suffer and hence get attention.

The “rebel” is another victim type who is constantly in trouble. They are the “bad boys” and “bad girls” acting out for the world to see by putting up a wall and pushing everyone away. Nothing touches them; nothing seems to hurt them, but of course on the inside it is another story.

We can play all of these roles at different times and for different reasons; however, to heal you need to give up victim behaviours. They may have been survival tactics used to cope with the abuse, but that time is gone, so they can be discarded. The time for feeling powerless is over; indeed, we need to take responsibility for our lives and not be scared to make our own decisions.

Instead of using manipulation to enlist others to help us, we can drop old ways and make positive changes in our lives. As adults, we no longer need to be rescued by others, for it is basically up to us to mend the wounds and find better ways to live. To heal from abuse, we have to pick up our own power and exercise it in a meaningful way towards our own happiness. We are ultimately our own healer.

 

Getting help from others 

Learning how to ask for what we need is important in our growth. While we were subjected to the abuse, help was unavailable, and as adults, we don’t always know how to ask for help.

As a rule, we don’t send out the right signals and can’t understand why others don’t see our distress. Sometimes, we send mixed or unclear messages. When others don’t respond the way that we would like, we can get hurt and upset. Our family and friends are not mind readers. They do want to help, so tell them clearly how to help you. Like me, you might find it hard to ask.

After years of learning to cope on our own, showing our vulnerability is difficult. One of the most beautiful days of my life was when my husband took time off work to stay home with me. I had just remembered some awful things and was in a state of shock. Over the next couple of days, he stayed to support me. Recognizing the help I needed, I allowed myself to be nurtured and supported. We didn’t say much about the abuse during those days, we simply spent time together. His presence and love supported me in a way that words could not do.

We can never underestimate the healing power of love. During those days, I began to understand the importance of support in the worst stages of the recovery process. When you allow yourself to be vulnerable with another person, and you don’t get hurt, you learn that the world can be a safe place. You start to break the old patterns that hold you back, and begin to experience the emotional intimacy you always wanted.

 

Clearing the past 

Whether you keep photos or keepsakes from the past is up to you. When I was going through the worst phases, I put them all away. Having them out of sight helped me cope with the different emotions that I was experiencing. Clearing your home of the past can be as important as clearing your life of the abuse.

If you decide to destroy any items linked with the past, think it through first. Remember that at the beginning you may feel very angry. In my case, except for a few photos, I put most of the things they had given me in the shed. They remained there while I decided what to do with them.

During my initial angry stage, I must admit to burning a few photos. For me, by burning the photos, I was cutting my tie with the past. As far as I was concerned this was a necessary step in my healing. You may not wish to take such drastic steps; however, for me, it felt right.

In time, you may come to a different decision about keeping old photos and possessions. Just remember to give yourself options.

 

Getting Help 

Many doctors are very aware of the devastation caused by abuse. If you have a good doctor, then talk to him/her about getting help. If you are feeling depressed or suicidal, consider what you need to do in consultation with your doctor. Some doctors will want to put you on medication; however, make the choices that are best for you. If necessary visit your doctor regularly and be honest about how you are really coping.

During recovery, you can enlist a good counselor as there will be so much going on in your head. A skilled counselor can help you work on the most important issues and gradually access other more hidden areas. Facing the abuse is a scary process, and by and large, we don’t want to do it alone.

Usually, there will be an outpouring of emotion, so just let the tears and anger release. Letting go of these emotions can allow the trapped memories from the past to flow out. 

Remember that we were frozen with fear and until we release that part of us, we can’t get to see what is behind it.

A professional can support this process and give you another perspective as well. Various groups exist for victims of abuse, and they can be helpful to you. Sometimes these groups can be powerful and inspirational. Other groups can be filled with victims wanting to wallow. You may need to go for a while to release some of your feelings. Nevertheless, if you come home and feel drained, think about whether this is a positive avenue of healing for you.

Be aware that not everyone wants to heal and get their life together.

Hypnosis can be another way to access the past and hence aid in recovery. There have been some negative responses to hypnosis in the media, and some people are suspicious, so you need to make up your own mind. My opinion is that if you feel that there has been abuse, you need to explore the past for signs. Maybe hypnosis can help you to access those memories.

Genuine memories will generally have a feeling of familiarity, and you will know they happened. You may already remember parts of the fights, the screaming, the beatings and alcohol abuse. Your new memories may help you make sense of it. I found that coupled with these memories were some very strong emotions.

Rebirthing is another way to access information. It is a gentle, yet powerful, way to remember the past. A good rebirthing therapist will take you through the process carefully. You can gain an enormous amount of healing and information in just a single session. It can be an excellent way to go back to the past to collect the information that you need.

Massage and healing can also help. People have reported experiencing many emotions during a massage and recalling events from the abuse. There is a belief that the muscles hold the memories from the past and by releasing the tension, these feelings are also released. Survivors can struggle with the area of touch. Therefore, learning that touch can be safe and non­threatening is a giant step forward for these people.

Another new and exciting release method called Emotional Freedom Tapping is a great avenue for release work. It is used to let go of many anxieties, emotional blockages and accompanying health issues, which can arise from emotional and mental stress. After you learn the simple meridian tapping sequence you can use it whenever the need arises. Tapping works on releasing blockages from the meridians throughout our bodies. Having used it over the last few years I can attest to its effectiveness in lessening many problems. There are many sites on the internet with useful information if you wish to explore this modality.

During this time be aware that not everyone will support you as expected. People often struggle with any type of abuse due to their issues or blocks. Do what is best for you and use the modality that works for your healing. I suggest you quietly explore avenues that suit you and only share this with those who support you.

When I was trying to retrieve more memories using rebirthing and massage, a friend told me that she believed that I was experiencing false memories. I found this counter­productive to my recovery, so I chose not to share my experiences with her from that time on.

If we want to recover we can’t surround ourselves with people who don’t believe us. We spent our past surrounded with people who, given the chance, did not believe us, but now we can choose who enters our inner world.

 

The Dark Days

During your recovery, you will have dark days. On the dark days, it is only your little child or wounded adult finally trying to release the fear, sadness and anger. We weren’t able to express ourselves freely, so we learned to bury the feelings. 

Now as survivors, we owe it to ourselves to release that pain in a safe and protected place.

On these days, you will feel sick and tired of the whole thing and want it to go away. There may be a pervading sense of gloom and stagnation. It is part of the healing process and does not mean you have lost your way. Be patient and kind to yourself.

Typically, you can wake up and feel this way first thing in the morning. Perhaps you had an upsetting dream, or you are feeling tired and vulnerable. Frequently, a sad event in your life can trigger your own deeper sadness. Women will sometimes be more sensitive around their cycle and if there has been physical abuse this can be a heightened time for these issues to surface. Regardless of the trigger, you can be assured that it is perfectly normal and part of the healing.

Relationship problems are also a powerful trigger for survivors of abuse. This is especially true in your relationships because they can alert you to an area you may need to address. Be aware how finely your past can be tied in with your life today. On these dark days, don’t expect to be on top of the world. 

Just remember, the emotions that you are experiencing are probably more to do with the past, than the present.

Once I acknowledged where these awful emotions came from, I could accept them.

Let the feelings surface and allow the tears to flow. Given time, these days will lessen and be easier to cope with. Now I see what is happening and allow the day to unfold. Initially, I thought I was going backwards and not coping, whereas now I understand. The dark days are part of my deeper healing.

If these days start to become weeks or months, you should probably get professional help. Make sure you address the problem and don’t bury it out of sight. Reach out and get help.

 

Beginning recovery

Recovery can be slow, so be patient. Naively, I thought I would wake up one day, and it would all be gone. Everyone wants it to be over straightaway. Gradually, as you work your way through it, the load becomes lighter.

Recovery is like a work in progress so keep in mind that we need to be kind to ourselves during this time. There are lots of us out there recovering from abusive lives; they are in your street, in your supermarket, walking with you on the same road to recovery.

Emotional pain is hard to bear. At the beginning when you are facing your feelings, there are many layers to be lifted that it can be daunting. After years of abuse, followed by years of denial, peeling off those layers can be harrowing. The process can also take longer than you imagined, so take heart and let yourself work through things slowly and gently. With time, you will get stronger and be able to cope with more.

Recovery can’t be rushed. We all need to work through it at our own pace. Never compare your progress with others, as we all take different paths to reach our peace of mind and heal our hearts. You will have times when there is much growth, and you seem to make great shifts. Other times, you may feel dragged down by it all.

 Family needs, work commitments and the general running of life will also need to be attended to. Sometimes, even your recovery will have to wait.

Try to deal with things one at a time and allow for spaces in between your recovery process; spaces where you can regroup and focus on other aspects of your life. It is only one facet of you. Keep grounded and retain balance in your life. 

Your life will contain two different worlds. The world of the abuse and the current world you now occupy. Your mind will be switching back and forth, and it can be tiring. When the pain is really bad, clean the bathroom, sort out the shed, and do  those mindless activities to help you process your feelings. Instinctively, we know how calming mundane chores can be. Your emotions are already very sensitized so you need to find a peaceful place where your feelings can just be, where there is a sense of familiarity and routine. This is not denial; it is only a temporary time-out.

When it is too hard, stop and rest your heart somewhere else. Let someone look after you. This is not the time to put the walls up. We all need the help. If your partner, children, friends or even pets sense your sadness and want to comfort you, recognize this, and let them in.

 

Abuse Memories

People from normal lives easily recall what happened to them as a child. However, those from abusive childhoods and adult abuse may have very poor recall. It is very frustrating to be unable to remember huge chunks of your past. Generally, survivors who remember the abuse later in their life can also have great difficulty trying to make sense of these memories.

At first, I had nightmares. It is very common for people to start dreaming before the memories begin to surface. The dreams are like the beginning of remembering; indeed, it is a safe place to start. I had lots of dreams while the abuse was surfacing. They were graphic dreams full of fear and violence, and many dreams that involved being chased. Terror and fear dominated the nightmares. I would wake up sweating and with my heart pounding. Frequently, I would feel like I was paralyzed, unable to move. This was obviously the old terror and fear locking up my physical body. My dreams lasted for years, ebbing and flowing according to where I was in the process. Don’t be disheartened if you stop having them, and then they return. You aren’t going backwards.

Our dreams are part of the healing process. They enable us to experience our deepest emotions in a detached way until we are ready to deal with them in our real life. I recorded some of my nightmares, and it really helped me in understanding more about myself. I focused on the predominant emotion in the dream, not the actual details. In this way, I could connect into the basic emotion I was trying to deal with. Sometimes it was fear, while other times it was anger.

During this period, flashbacks began to interrupt my daily life. Anyone who has experienced flashbacks will understand the frustration they bring with them. It’s like watching the trailer of a movie and trying to work out the storyline. Flashbacks are so quick that it can be hard to access the information coming through. As fast as it comes, it’s gone again. Unfortunately, flashbacks can be vivid and upsetting. Some days I could have the same flashback over and over again.

Try to allow the dreams and flashbacks to surface. Although you might not understand them all, they are releasing these trapped emotions. It is a good thing for once they are released the healing can follow.

Keep in mind that once you embark on the journey, there will be much work to do, so be sure to get the help you need along the way.

 

Remembering

The best thing about the last few years was remembering the abuse; however, the worst thing about the last few years was also remembering the abuse. It has only been through facing the truth that I began to feel whole again.

Coming from an abusive past you live two lives, the earlier life during the abuse, and the one after. If you are reading this book, you may be in the process of remembering and beginning to face the past. However, remembering does not mean you are actually dealing with your past. Once the memories start surfacing, and the emotions begin releasing, you have two choices. You can push them down again, or begin to deal with them at last.

Remembering the abuse and allowing the feelings to come up is painful. It can be sad and disappointing; it can make you angry. However, finally, you can begin to understand yourself. Each person’s story may be different, yet the emotions will be the same. In my experience, the predominant feelings are fear, anger, hate and sorrow. Added to this are the countless tears we need to cry.

Nothing can prepare you for the reality of remembering. I had blocked out most of my childhood. Then one day all the memories came flooding back into my life. It was a very confusing time as the way I had remembered the past was conflicting with my new memories. Coming to terms with that was very difficult and the new memories are very hard to accept as they question your recollections from the past. During this time, I frequently questioned my sanity.

It is important that you take it slowly. The initial stage can be shocking and unbelievable. It can be like a dream that you want to wake up from.

However, facing the truth will be the best thing that you can ever do for yourself.

Becoming A Survivor