The Dark Days

During your recovery, you will have dark days. On the dark days, it is only your little child or wounded adult finally trying to release the fear, sadness and anger. We weren’t able to express ourselves freely, so we learned to bury the feelings. 

Now as survivors, we owe it to ourselves to release that pain in a safe and protected place.

On these days, you will feel sick and tired of the whole thing and want it to go away. There may be a pervading sense of gloom and stagnation. It is part of the healing process and does not mean you have lost your way. Be patient and kind to yourself.

Typically, you can wake up and feel this way first thing in the morning. Perhaps you had an upsetting dream, or you are feeling tired and vulnerable. Frequently, a sad event in your life can trigger your own deeper sadness. Women will sometimes be more sensitive around their cycle and if there has been physical abuse this can be a heightened time for these issues to surface. Regardless of the trigger, you can be assured that it is perfectly normal and part of the healing.

Relationship problems are also a powerful trigger for survivors of abuse. This is especially true in your relationships because they can alert you to an area you may need to address. Be aware how finely your past can be tied in with your life today. On these dark days, don’t expect to be on top of the world. 

Just remember, the emotions that you are experiencing are probably more to do with the past, than the present.

Once I acknowledged where these awful emotions came from, I could accept them.

Let the feelings surface and allow the tears to flow. Given time, these days will lessen and be easier to cope with. Now I see what is happening and allow the day to unfold. Initially, I thought I was going backwards and not coping, whereas now I understand. The dark days are part of my deeper healing.

If these days start to become weeks or months, you should probably get professional help. Make sure you address the problem and don’t bury it out of sight. Reach out and get help.

 

Abuse Memories

People from normal lives easily recall what happened to them as a child. However, those from abusive childhoods and adult abuse may have very poor recall. It is very frustrating to be unable to remember huge chunks of your past. Generally, survivors who remember the abuse later in their life can also have great difficulty trying to make sense of these memories.

At first, I had nightmares. It is very common for people to start dreaming before the memories begin to surface. The dreams are like the beginning of remembering; indeed, it is a safe place to start. I had lots of dreams while the abuse was surfacing. They were graphic dreams full of fear and violence, and many dreams that involved being chased. Terror and fear dominated the nightmares. I would wake up sweating and with my heart pounding. Frequently, I would feel like I was paralyzed, unable to move. This was obviously the old terror and fear locking up my physical body. My dreams lasted for years, ebbing and flowing according to where I was in the process. Don’t be disheartened if you stop having them, and then they return. You aren’t going backwards.

Our dreams are part of the healing process. They enable us to experience our deepest emotions in a detached way until we are ready to deal with them in our real life. I recorded some of my nightmares, and it really helped me in understanding more about myself. I focused on the predominant emotion in the dream, not the actual details. In this way, I could connect into the basic emotion I was trying to deal with. Sometimes it was fear, while other times it was anger.

During this period, flashbacks began to interrupt my daily life. Anyone who has experienced flashbacks will understand the frustration they bring with them. It’s like watching the trailer of a movie and trying to work out the storyline. Flashbacks are so quick that it can be hard to access the information coming through. As fast as it comes, it’s gone again. Unfortunately, flashbacks can be vivid and upsetting. Some days I could have the same flashback over and over again.

Try to allow the dreams and flashbacks to surface. Although you might not understand them all, they are releasing these trapped emotions. It is a good thing for once they are released the healing can follow.

Keep in mind that once you embark on the journey, there will be much work to do, so be sure to get the help you need along the way.

 

Remembering

The best thing about the last few years was remembering the abuse; however, the worst thing about the last few years was also remembering the abuse. It has only been through facing the truth that I began to feel whole again.

Coming from an abusive past you live two lives, the earlier life during the abuse, and the one after. If you are reading this book, you may be in the process of remembering and beginning to face the past. However, remembering does not mean you are actually dealing with your past. Once the memories start surfacing, and the emotions begin releasing, you have two choices. You can push them down again, or begin to deal with them at last.

Remembering the abuse and allowing the feelings to come up is painful. It can be sad and disappointing; it can make you angry. However, finally, you can begin to understand yourself. Each person’s story may be different, yet the emotions will be the same. In my experience, the predominant feelings are fear, anger, hate and sorrow. Added to this are the countless tears we need to cry.

Nothing can prepare you for the reality of remembering. I had blocked out most of my childhood. Then one day all the memories came flooding back into my life. It was a very confusing time as the way I had remembered the past was conflicting with my new memories. Coming to terms with that was very difficult and the new memories are very hard to accept as they question your recollections from the past. During this time, I frequently questioned my sanity.

It is important that you take it slowly. The initial stage can be shocking and unbelievable. It can be like a dream that you want to wake up from.

However, facing the truth will be the best thing that you can ever do for yourself.

Meeting Our Needs after Abuse