Being a Rescuer 

It is not uncommon for survivors of abuse to take on the rescue role. Perhaps back then we needed literally to rescue ourselves and others in the house. Therefore, it became a comfortable and well-known role for us. With childhood abuse, most children fulfill the rescue role in these dysfunctional homes.

Another outcome can be that wanting and knowing how it feels not be rescued; we can spend our lives wanting to rescue others in need. It can feel like a healing to be part of this kind of rescue; it can feel like a way to right a wrong.

Over the years, I have struggled to find a way to work through my rescue mentality. Initially, I jumped in to rescue whomever I felt needed rescuing. At first, I didn’t even ask whether they wanted to be rescued, I simply felt compelled to do so. Now I view it all so differently. Honestly, it is better to give love and support than to rescue; it is better for you and better for them.

While we play the rescue role, we can fall into a few big traps. In rescuing we are taking on a greater part and so our effort in the relationship can be very unbalanced. Without realizing it, we can become heavily involved in someone’s life and be doing most of the work. This is not good for either them or us for while we sort it all out, their lessons in this are not learned. While we are taking on the responsibility, they don’t have the chance to grow into their own power and make their own decisions.

Rescuers also have problems saying no and making firm boundaries. Perhaps living a life without any boundaries was something we experienced, and so we don’t know how to make boundaries. I feel that on some level, we are still trying to please others and avoid rejection. Rejection runs deep with abuse, and we will avoid it at all costs. It is easier to displease ourselves and suffer the consequences than to displease a partner, family member, friend, etc.

Keep in mind that when we rescue then we keep the other person in the victim role. In a way we say, “I need to fix this for you because you can’t.”

Being a rescuer or a victim is not without its dangers for both parties can get very frustrated. Victims get tired of being told what to do and rescuers get tired of not being listened to. It’s a vicious circle.

Both roles need to go. It is far better for us to look after ourselves and only engage others when extra support is necessary. Aim to become a survivor and drop the victim/ martyr and rescuer roles.