Being a Rescuer 

It is not uncommon for survivors of abuse to take on the rescue role. Perhaps back then we needed literally to rescue ourselves and others in the house. Therefore, it became a comfortable and well-known role for us. With childhood abuse, most children fulfill the rescue role in these dysfunctional homes.

Another outcome can be that wanting and knowing how it feels not be rescued; we can spend our lives wanting to rescue others in need. It can feel like a healing to be part of this kind of rescue; it can feel like a way to right a wrong.

Over the years, I have struggled to find a way to work through my rescue mentality. Initially, I jumped in to rescue whomever I felt needed rescuing. At first, I didn’t even ask whether they wanted to be rescued, I simply felt compelled to do so. Now I view it all so differently. Honestly, it is better to give love and support than to rescue; it is better for you and better for them.

While we play the rescue role, we can fall into a few big traps. In rescuing we are taking on a greater part and so our effort in the relationship can be very unbalanced. Without realizing it, we can become heavily involved in someone’s life and be doing most of the work. This is not good for either them or us for while we sort it all out, their lessons in this are not learned. While we are taking on the responsibility, they don’t have the chance to grow into their own power and make their own decisions.

Rescuers also have problems saying no and making firm boundaries. Perhaps living a life without any boundaries was something we experienced, and so we don’t know how to make boundaries. I feel that on some level, we are still trying to please others and avoid rejection. Rejection runs deep with abuse, and we will avoid it at all costs. It is easier to displease ourselves and suffer the consequences than to displease a partner, family member, friend, etc.

Keep in mind that when we rescue then we keep the other person in the victim role. In a way we say, “I need to fix this for you because you can’t.”

Being a rescuer or a victim is not without its dangers for both parties can get very frustrated. Victims get tired of being told what to do and rescuers get tired of not being listened to. It’s a vicious circle.

Both roles need to go. It is far better for us to look after ourselves and only engage others when extra support is necessary. Aim to become a survivor and drop the victim/ martyr and rescuer roles.

 

Abuse Memories

People from normal lives easily recall what happened to them as a child. However, those from abusive childhoods and adult abuse may have very poor recall. It is very frustrating to be unable to remember huge chunks of your past. Generally, survivors who remember the abuse later in their life can also have great difficulty trying to make sense of these memories.

At first, I had nightmares. It is very common for people to start dreaming before the memories begin to surface. The dreams are like the beginning of remembering; indeed, it is a safe place to start. I had lots of dreams while the abuse was surfacing. They were graphic dreams full of fear and violence, and many dreams that involved being chased. Terror and fear dominated the nightmares. I would wake up sweating and with my heart pounding. Frequently, I would feel like I was paralyzed, unable to move. This was obviously the old terror and fear locking up my physical body. My dreams lasted for years, ebbing and flowing according to where I was in the process. Don’t be disheartened if you stop having them, and then they return. You aren’t going backwards.

Our dreams are part of the healing process. They enable us to experience our deepest emotions in a detached way until we are ready to deal with them in our real life. I recorded some of my nightmares, and it really helped me in understanding more about myself. I focused on the predominant emotion in the dream, not the actual details. In this way, I could connect into the basic emotion I was trying to deal with. Sometimes it was fear, while other times it was anger.

During this period, flashbacks began to interrupt my daily life. Anyone who has experienced flashbacks will understand the frustration they bring with them. It’s like watching the trailer of a movie and trying to work out the storyline. Flashbacks are so quick that it can be hard to access the information coming through. As fast as it comes, it’s gone again. Unfortunately, flashbacks can be vivid and upsetting. Some days I could have the same flashback over and over again.

Try to allow the dreams and flashbacks to surface. Although you might not understand them all, they are releasing these trapped emotions. It is a good thing for once they are released the healing can follow.

Keep in mind that once you embark on the journey, there will be much work to do, so be sure to get the help you need along the way.

 

Remembering

The best thing about the last few years was remembering the abuse; however, the worst thing about the last few years was also remembering the abuse. It has only been through facing the truth that I began to feel whole again.

Coming from an abusive past you live two lives, the earlier life during the abuse, and the one after. If you are reading this book, you may be in the process of remembering and beginning to face the past. However, remembering does not mean you are actually dealing with your past. Once the memories start surfacing, and the emotions begin releasing, you have two choices. You can push them down again, or begin to deal with them at last.

Remembering the abuse and allowing the feelings to come up is painful. It can be sad and disappointing; it can make you angry. However, finally, you can begin to understand yourself. Each person’s story may be different, yet the emotions will be the same. In my experience, the predominant feelings are fear, anger, hate and sorrow. Added to this are the countless tears we need to cry.

Nothing can prepare you for the reality of remembering. I had blocked out most of my childhood. Then one day all the memories came flooding back into my life. It was a very confusing time as the way I had remembered the past was conflicting with my new memories. Coming to terms with that was very difficult and the new memories are very hard to accept as they question your recollections from the past. During this time, I frequently questioned my sanity.

It is important that you take it slowly. The initial stage can be shocking and unbelievable. It can be like a dream that you want to wake up from.

However, facing the truth will be the best thing that you can ever do for yourself.

Meeting Our Needs after Abuse

 

Eating Problems from Abuse

 

Counselling

 

Grief and Tears

 

Surviving Abuse

 To become a survivor from abuse, you need to deal with your damage. Ignoring it, stuffing it down or acting out never achieves anything positive. Then we remain a victim. 

It means owning it and working to release the damage. Some of the work we may do on our own, while other areas we enlist help. Don't feel that getting help is weak. Sometimes we need a loving hand to get through the dark tunnel. 

Use everything at your disposal to heal and be free of the damage abuse does to us. 

Think like a survivor and stop acting in a victim fashion. Yes, we were victims, but no more. Find your inner strength and fight to get well again. 

In time, we can reclaim our lives and be happy again. 

Love, Wendy x 

The Damage from Abuse