How to recognize an abusive personality

In our world, there are all kinds of people and sadly, some of them operate as abusers. Having come from abuse you would think we are pretty good at recognizing this personality; however, frequently we can be blind to these people.

To the outside world, he/she may appear as a very charming person; however, you can be having a completely different experience with them at home. Therefore, trying to get others to see what you are dealing with can be extremely difficult. Often these individuals are referred to as the street angels and home devils.

The fundamental aim of all abusers is to be the one in control. They will seek power above all other things for it is their basic need. Of course, if you are involved with them, it will mean that they will do everything in their power to make you the weaker party. Abusers want control at all costs and that includes control of the money, how you spend your time, various activities, your social life, etc. Life with an abuser is about what they want; your needs are rarely accommodated. If your needs are accommodated, it usually all comes back to benefit them.

Abusers usually have a superior air believing that they are better than everyone else. In an argument, they will always want to have the last word and aim to win at all costs when games are involved. They often beat children in the footy match; whereas, most normal adults allow the younger ones to win.

In social settings, abusers can become jealous and possessive. Although you have done nothing to warrant this response, their reactions are blamed on you and it is always your fault. If you argue back, you can be severely punished. Punishment is used regularly to keep everyone in line. Yelling, hitting and verbal abuse are used, as well as withholding tactics. Generally, love and sex can be withheld in relationships, and frequently the cold treatment is used. With abusers, the silent treatment can go on for days, weeks, etc.

Manipulation features in these relationships with you being the one being manipulated to meet their needs. This can include blaming you, shaming you and them acting like they are the victim. Other people can be manipulated into believing lies about you and be told untrue stories about how things actually happened.

Moodiness is common with this personality. The day can begin with a happy, charming partner who quickly becomes an aggressive, screaming abuser. After a tirade, they can often act like nothing happened. Taking responsibility is not part of their agenda. Promises may be made only to be broken later. Frequently, what they say and what they do are two completely different things. You can’t trust their word to fulfill promises, unless it benefits them.

If you try to seek help, most abusers will not want to participate. If you get to a counselor, they will not take responsibility for anything being their fault. The counselor is accused of being wrong and in general, abusers don’t last long in therapy. If the therapist is a woman, most male abusers will show little respect. It is common for them to have no respect for women at all including their mother, sisters, grandmothers, etc.

Frequently, abusers have a history of abuse. Maybe they were abused as children/teenagers. Earlier in their life, some individuals could have been engaged in abusing other people or animals. Abuse of animals is a well-documented sign of future abusers. Some people believe that those with a history of abusing animals often also abuse women.

All the above can help us to see abuse around us. Still, many of us can exhibit some of the lesser of these traits at times and not be living lives as abusers.

I believe that once we can recognize abusers it can give us the clarity needed and the strength to say no to any form of abuse. For when we recognize and stand up to abuse, then we stop it being part of our lives.

 

The Dark Days

During your recovery, you will have dark days. On the dark days, it is only your little child or wounded adult finally trying to release the fear, sadness and anger. We weren’t able to express ourselves freely, so we learned to bury the feelings. 

Now as survivors, we owe it to ourselves to release that pain in a safe and protected place.

On these days, you will feel sick and tired of the whole thing and want it to go away. There may be a pervading sense of gloom and stagnation. It is part of the healing process and does not mean you have lost your way. Be patient and kind to yourself.

Typically, you can wake up and feel this way first thing in the morning. Perhaps you had an upsetting dream, or you are feeling tired and vulnerable. Frequently, a sad event in your life can trigger your own deeper sadness. Women will sometimes be more sensitive around their cycle and if there has been physical abuse this can be a heightened time for these issues to surface. Regardless of the trigger, you can be assured that it is perfectly normal and part of the healing.

Relationship problems are also a powerful trigger for survivors of abuse. This is especially true in your relationships because they can alert you to an area you may need to address. Be aware how finely your past can be tied in with your life today. On these dark days, don’t expect to be on top of the world. 

Just remember, the emotions that you are experiencing are probably more to do with the past, than the present.

Once I acknowledged where these awful emotions came from, I could accept them.

Let the feelings surface and allow the tears to flow. Given time, these days will lessen and be easier to cope with. Now I see what is happening and allow the day to unfold. Initially, I thought I was going backwards and not coping, whereas now I understand. The dark days are part of my deeper healing.

If these days start to become weeks or months, you should probably get professional help. Make sure you address the problem and don’t bury it out of sight. Reach out and get help.

Counselling