How to recognize an abusive personality

In our world, there are all kinds of people and sadly, some of them operate as abusers. Having come from abuse you would think we are pretty good at recognizing this personality; however, frequently we can be blind to these people.

To the outside world, he/she may appear as a very charming person; however, you can be having a completely different experience with them at home. Therefore, trying to get others to see what you are dealing with can be extremely difficult. Often these individuals are referred to as the street angels and home devils.

The fundamental aim of all abusers is to be the one in control. They will seek power above all other things for it is their basic need. Of course, if you are involved with them, it will mean that they will do everything in their power to make you the weaker party. Abusers want control at all costs and that includes control of the money, how you spend your time, various activities, your social life, etc. Life with an abuser is about what they want; your needs are rarely accommodated. If your needs are accommodated, it usually all comes back to benefit them.

Abusers usually have a superior air believing that they are better than everyone else. In an argument, they will always want to have the last word and aim to win at all costs when games are involved. They often beat children in the footy match; whereas, most normal adults allow the younger ones to win.

In social settings, abusers can become jealous and possessive. Although you have done nothing to warrant this response, their reactions are blamed on you and it is always your fault. If you argue back, you can be severely punished. Punishment is used regularly to keep everyone in line. Yelling, hitting and verbal abuse are used, as well as withholding tactics. Generally, love and sex can be withheld in relationships, and frequently the cold treatment is used. With abusers, the silent treatment can go on for days, weeks, etc.

Manipulation features in these relationships with you being the one being manipulated to meet their needs. This can include blaming you, shaming you and them acting like they are the victim. Other people can be manipulated into believing lies about you and be told untrue stories about how things actually happened.

Moodiness is common with this personality. The day can begin with a happy, charming partner who quickly becomes an aggressive, screaming abuser. After a tirade, they can often act like nothing happened. Taking responsibility is not part of their agenda. Promises may be made only to be broken later. Frequently, what they say and what they do are two completely different things. You can’t trust their word to fulfill promises, unless it benefits them.

If you try to seek help, most abusers will not want to participate. If you get to a counselor, they will not take responsibility for anything being their fault. The counselor is accused of being wrong and in general, abusers don’t last long in therapy. If the therapist is a woman, most male abusers will show little respect. It is common for them to have no respect for women at all including their mother, sisters, grandmothers, etc.

Frequently, abusers have a history of abuse. Maybe they were abused as children/teenagers. Earlier in their life, some individuals could have been engaged in abusing other people or animals. Abuse of animals is a well-documented sign of future abusers. Some people believe that those with a history of abusing animals often also abuse women.

All the above can help us to see abuse around us. Still, many of us can exhibit some of the lesser of these traits at times and not be living lives as abusers.

I believe that once we can recognize abusers it can give us the clarity needed and the strength to say no to any form of abuse. For when we recognize and stand up to abuse, then we stop it being part of our lives.

 

Being a victim/martyr 

Some people start to deal with their abuse and instead of moving on they spend the rest of their life there. As a child or an abused adult, you were a victim. However, as a survivor you can make a different choice. A friend told me an interesting saying that stated that as adults, we are a victim once and a volunteer thereafter. I thought it made a lot sense. Therefore, from this day forward choose to be a survivor.

There are several types of victims. The most obvious ones to spot are the self-absorbed people with pathetic, whining dispositions. It’s never fair; it’s never their fault and no one ever had it worse. They crave love and attention, yet mostly they turn people away.

Another kind of victim is the one who is constantly ill. Many of us learnt the sick victim role when we were young. Perhaps no one screamed at you as much when you were sick in bed or hit you when you were ill. Being ill meant that sometimes you were nurtured, and it gave you time-out from the madness. Most “sick” victims find it a convenient way to avoid or check out of responsibilities at home or work.

Then there is the role of the long-suffering martyr. Abused children learn to soldier on through hard times, keeping themselves strong by coping alone. People from domestic violence can do the same. They are the same individuals who clean up the house after one of the abuser’s tirades. In an out-of-control house, even the smallest amount of power can keep you feeling better. As adults, they will complain about their hardships, yet won’t let anyone help them. These people don’t want to give up their position of power. If they do everything themselves, they can maintain it, as well as having reasons to suffer and hence get attention.

The “rebel” is another victim type who is constantly in trouble. They are the “bad boys” and “bad girls” acting out for the world to see by putting up a wall and pushing everyone away. Nothing touches them; nothing seems to hurt them, but of course on the inside it is another story.

We can play all of these roles at different times and for different reasons; however, to heal you need to give up victim behaviours. They may have been survival tactics used to cope with the abuse, but that time is gone, so they can be discarded. The time for feeling powerless is over; indeed, we need to take responsibility for our lives and not be scared to make our own decisions.

Instead of using manipulation to enlist others to help us, we can drop old ways and make positive changes in our lives. As adults, we no longer need to be rescued by others, for it is basically up to us to mend the wounds and find better ways to live. To heal from abuse, we have to pick up our own power and exercise it in a meaningful way towards our own happiness. We are ultimately our own healer.

 

Clearing the past 

Whether you keep photos or keepsakes from the past is up to you. When I was going through the worst phases, I put them all away. Having them out of sight helped me cope with the different emotions that I was experiencing. Clearing your home of the past can be as important as clearing your life of the abuse.

If you decide to destroy any items linked with the past, think it through first. Remember that at the beginning you may feel very angry. In my case, except for a few photos, I put most of the things they had given me in the shed. They remained there while I decided what to do with them.

During my initial angry stage, I must admit to burning a few photos. For me, by burning the photos, I was cutting my tie with the past. As far as I was concerned this was a necessary step in my healing. You may not wish to take such drastic steps; however, for me, it felt right.

In time, you may come to a different decision about keeping old photos and possessions. Just remember to give yourself options.