Being a victim/martyr 

Some people start to deal with their abuse and instead of moving on they spend the rest of their life there. As a child or an abused adult, you were a victim. However, as a survivor you can make a different choice. A friend told me an interesting saying that stated that as adults, we are a victim once and a volunteer thereafter. I thought it made a lot sense. Therefore, from this day forward choose to be a survivor.

There are several types of victims. The most obvious ones to spot are the self-absorbed people with pathetic, whining dispositions. It’s never fair; it’s never their fault and no one ever had it worse. They crave love and attention, yet mostly they turn people away.

Another kind of victim is the one who is constantly ill. Many of us learnt the sick victim role when we were young. Perhaps no one screamed at you as much when you were sick in bed or hit you when you were ill. Being ill meant that sometimes you were nurtured, and it gave you time-out from the madness. Most “sick” victims find it a convenient way to avoid or check out of responsibilities at home or work.

Then there is the role of the long-suffering martyr. Abused children learn to soldier on through hard times, keeping themselves strong by coping alone. People from domestic violence can do the same. They are the same individuals who clean up the house after one of the abuser’s tirades. In an out-of-control house, even the smallest amount of power can keep you feeling better. As adults, they will complain about their hardships, yet won’t let anyone help them. These people don’t want to give up their position of power. If they do everything themselves, they can maintain it, as well as having reasons to suffer and hence get attention.

The “rebel” is another victim type who is constantly in trouble. They are the “bad boys” and “bad girls” acting out for the world to see by putting up a wall and pushing everyone away. Nothing touches them; nothing seems to hurt them, but of course on the inside it is another story.

We can play all of these roles at different times and for different reasons; however, to heal you need to give up victim behaviours. They may have been survival tactics used to cope with the abuse, but that time is gone, so they can be discarded. The time for feeling powerless is over; indeed, we need to take responsibility for our lives and not be scared to make our own decisions.

Instead of using manipulation to enlist others to help us, we can drop old ways and make positive changes in our lives. As adults, we no longer need to be rescued by others, for it is basically up to us to mend the wounds and find better ways to live. To heal from abuse, we have to pick up our own power and exercise it in a meaningful way towards our own happiness. We are ultimately our own healer.